It Doesn't Matter Now

Sometimes my mind wanders. It's been so difficult at times, having the past oppress my thoughts and emotions. There is no shortage of crushing memories. There are some that I know I will never be able to forget, unless I have dementia. They still wound my heart, they still insist on the blame game. There are some good memories too, of when my children were growing up. These are the ones that seem to wound me most. Lately I've been searching those memories, searching my heart. I am learning to take those good memories and hold them close, for they were the good parts of my former life. The bad ones, I try to put away far from me. I give them to God, the righteous judge. I am accountable to Him for my failures, not to anyone but Him. Even the worst memories have fashioned me into the person I am today. I have learned that you can love someone, or ones, from a distance, without giving them access to your life and your emotions. Even those who will always be closest to your heart. Sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand, a line where the old life has ended and the new life has begun. Sometimes you have to walk away from toxic people, their judgments and their accusations. I can't shoulder your problems and I am not accountable to you for any lies you may have believed about me or any hate you harbor toward me. I am so done with that. I believe that you could even give your life for some and they would still hate you. I don't want to deal with hate toward me anymore. I know, I'm not so pollyanna that I think horrible memories will never enter my thoughts again, I'm sure they will; but I know that open wounds will eventually become scars that are sensitive but not life stealing. I am intent on living my new life, the remaining years left to me, in the light of God's love and grace. I prayed for peace most of my life and now that I have it, I want to embrace it in my everyday existance and within the depths of my soul. None of the pain of the past matters now, it's passed and all I have is a day at a time to live in whatever attitude I choose to live it in.