To Be Or Not

To Be Or Not (An Old Blog Post From Years Ago)

The Question

I am considering to be or not to be who and what I have been. To be or not to be where I have been. To be or not to be what I have been to others. To continue to wander around in circles trying to discover at last... who, what and where I really want to be. To accept things as they are or just blast the living hell out of everything and become someone totally different. I am tired of waiting for life when life is rushing past me every moment. Yes I am frustrated bordering on anger at what others have done to me and the way I allowed them to do it. I think maybe I'm at the end now, something has to change. To be or not to be who you want to be, that is the axis of existence and I know now that my life has been totally off center, revolving around what others want, ignoring my own wants and needs. It has not brought the joy promised by "Spiritual" minds. Lose yourself for others, what a crock. The only joy you will find in that is if you enjoy being a martyr to other's dreams. And the only thing you will be is lost to yourself. I have come to realize by bitter experience the first priority is to find yourself, love yourself and stop denying yourself everything you need and want to give others their desires. Personally I don't like being a martyr and sometimes my heart just screams "What about me? Don't I deserve something?" I wish I could have arrived at this place of to be or not to be many years ago but I didn't, so all I have now is the time remaining. I want major change and I am going to have it.